


Jinx

by SaccharineSalt



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Episode: e051-057 The Suffering Game Parts 1-7, Gen, POV Taako (The Adventure Zone), Temporary Character Death, he's fine but he's dead, taako dies in wonderland
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-23
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-13 03:15:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29644941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaccharineSalt/pseuds/SaccharineSalt
Summary: Taako spins bad luck.Again.This changes things.
Relationships: Kravitz/Taako (The Adventure Zone), Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 18
Kudos: 21





	1. Vibe Check

**Author's Note:**

> This is a fic I've had rolling around in my brain for a couple years. Have fun y'all.

Okay, listen.

It’s not like Taako doesn’t expect something to be whack with this place.

Sure, aesthetically it’s dope, and there’s something about the cool elf twins that really hits right, but like, the moment the three of them set foot in Wonderland he’s knocked back by these Vibes, y’know?

The “You’re Going To Die Here” Vibes.

And you might be thinking “Taako, it’s a Grand Relic, of course it’s gonna be dangerous” but no, that’s not what these Vibes mean. These aren’t “danger” these are death, total and complete, there won’t be a thimble left over to pass go  _ with _ , give the $200 to your next of kin.

And sure, he can’t remember every single time he’s had them, and obviously he’s still alive so it can’t be that many, but he’d had them before Refuge and sure enough, super dead a whole bunch of times.

So that’s like, a hundo percent accuracy.

Then he spins up some bad luck and that sure as fuck doesn’t help!

  
  
  


He’s looking over his shoulder through their battle with the stupid bears and ooze and shit, which in hindsight, was the wrong fucking direction.

Cause it turns out to be death from above.

He looks up at the massive Cog coming to crush his beautiful face into paste and tries to dart forwards, but he fucking slips on the fallen bolt and faceplants.

It would be hilarious had the Cog not then smashed into his whole lower body.

Taako can’t even begin to describe the pain. It’s entirely possible that his metaphorical ability was shattered along with his ass, since that was where he pulled them out anyway.

He manages to crawl his way through the Ethereal Plane into a space that wasn’t occupied by Cog, and does a super dope finishing move, and then the shock wears off and his insides decide to have a party without him.

Definitely internal bleeding, yuck.

And still, the stupid Vibes are there!

Like, he’s got it, gods, Taako ain’t getting out of this one, can the spidey-senses stop tingling please?

  
  
  


He gets healed a bit in the bonus round, and oh, the worst is yet to come, is it?

What-the-fuck-ever, bring it on.

He spins bad luck again, and the assholes are thrilled. That’s probably a pretty bad sign.

Mags ‘n Merle practically beg him not to take it, say they’ll take the extra spins, but let no one ever say Taako doesn’t pull his own weight.

He accepts.

The Vibes hit max volume now, so high he can almost feel them. Or maybe that’s just the internal bleeding again.

Figures. He just had to be selfless.

Welp, too late for that.

  
  


He doesn’t bother being wary in the boss rush, cause the thing about the bad luck last time was that it didn’t come from a direction he’d expected, so might as well not waste the energy that could be spent on, fucking, breathing and standing, for the small amount of time he has left to do those things.

And to his surprise, he makes it through.

Okay, maybe this isn’t the end. Maybe the Vibes are wrong about this one, or it’s another temp-death like Refuge was.

Then there’s that stupid stage, surrounded by mannequins.

Well. There goes that optimism, huh?

  
  
  


He really doesn’t feel like doing any strutting, but if the idiots want one last encore from Taako, well, who’s he to deny them?

So they’re all standing up there and the lights are flashing and his head’s swimming and the assholes are back.

“Taako,” Lydia says, “You spun ‘skull’, didn’t you?” Oh boy, here it comes.

  
“Yep,” he says, and immediately regrets it. Is that going to be his last fucking word? “Yep”?

“Bad luck,” she says, a bell chimes,

And Taako gets fucking

Punched

In the chest by a cannonball that’s on fire and full of spikes.

Oh look, the metaphors are back.

He can’t breathe- everything is blinding-bright around him until his vision clears and he discovers that that’s because he has nothing to breathe with.

Those jackasses stole his fucking body.

Hey! That’s primo real-estate! They can’t just take that!

He tries to soul-swim over to them to give them a piece of his mind, but.

He’s not moving.

Oh wait, yes he is, but in the wrong fucking direction.

He’s slowly drifting backwards, towards-

Oh.

That’s the Astral Plane, isn’t it- the space beyond the rift are the same bright sapphire blue of his boyfriend’s eyes.

So this is it.

He tries to cast something, anything, but whoops, turns out he left his magic in his fucking body. He really is just going to float slowly to his death. He looks back down at the others- at least Magnus and Merle have realized by now that it wasn’t him down there. And, oh, the Red Robe was there too, crackling with lightning like he did when he got upset. Nice to know the guy cared.

This was really it.

This was…

This was fucking bullshit!

What the fuck? Where was the dramatic death he deserved, some heroic sacrifice after a sick one-liner and defeating the final boss, collapsing tragically into Magnus’s arms while the boys cried over him.

This? This was nothing! This was stupid! This was… all Taako was getting. His last word was “yep!”

Boy, that voicemail he’d left Kravitz was coming back to haunt him. How embarrassing.

As he finally reached the rift, he looked one last time at the stage, at his friends- no, his family.

They better fucking avenge him.

And those were Taako’s last thoughts as a living elf.


	2. l'appel du vide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> bad time for a chat

You Have: ONE New Voice Message

From: Taako

_ *beep* _

“Uh, hey, babe! Just wanted to let you know, Madame ‘D’ is sending us on that big ol’ mish’ today, like, right now. Usually these’ll take a day or two- or longer, I guess, you never know, so I probably won’t be making it to dinner tonight. I’ll see you in a bit, then, unless I  _ totally _ beef it, in which case I’ll be seeing you sooner!

Get it?

Cause you’re death?

Haha, it’ll be fine.

I lo- I’ll, uh, see you soon, ‘kay?”

_ *beep* _

As one can imagine. That was not the most reassuring message for Kravitz to start the day with.

It’s not that he didn’t have complete faith in his boyfriend, no, Taako was incredibly strong and could take care of himself and his friends.

It’s just…

This was the first time that Taako’s had to go on a mission, a capital ‘r’ Relic Mission, since they’d started dating, and they’d met because of the relics in the first place.

One had the power to turn a laboratory into pure crystal.

Another had resurrected a town thousands of times over almost a decade.

These things were crazy powerful.

This one was especially so, If Kravitz thought back to all the intense training Taako had been doing.

Tonight was supposed to be a night to relax from their work, as well, although he supposed Taako’d have a long break after this anyway. If he remembered correctly, there was one more relic to find. Then he wouldn’t have to go on such dangerous missions anymore, and they could spend more time together.

Hm, it looked like the Raven Queen hadn’t given Kravitz any bounties today, how unfortunate. He would prefer having something to distract himself with, but he supposed he could roam around over the sea until either his Queen or boyfriend provided an update.

Strange, it was looking a little dim today…

* * *

Taako watches the rift close, fighting for one last glance at life.

He doesn’t know if he feels “dead”, but there’s a strange numbness to his form that he never had in life.

He looks down at himself.

He’s translucent except for a gleaming core - his soul - and in the same outfit he’s been in.There’s no blood, but there’s rips and tears from his battles in Wonderland.

Alright, ghost chic. He can work with it.

He pulls his hat down firmer on his head - can something that’s part of his soul even blow away?- and turns to go search out his boyfriend — may as well go commiserate — and-

Oh fuck.

  
Oh fucking shit.

No, no,  _ no _ , this  _ cannot _ be happening.

He doesn’t know  _ what’s _ happening, only that it one hundo percent should  _ not _ be.

  
It wasn’t supposed to happen,  _ gods _ -

He stares down at the writhing black-opal mass that used to be a sea.

He spots incongruous movement- someone is down there.

Someone is down there that isn’t being vored.

Taako dives down towards the figure and oh, nightmare of all nightmares, it’s Kravitz.

Kravitz looks up at him with shock and incomprehension — like, same — and reaches towards him.

  
Taako grabs his hand-

And they’re both pulled into the ooze.

-

Taako doesn’t let go, he refuses to let go, and he manages to break the surface and drag himself and Kravitz safely to shore.

They run to the Stockade and Kravitz barricades the door behind them.

“What— what the hell  _ was _ that,” he coughs, holding Taako close as they collapse to their knees together

“That’s-,” Taako says, “I  _ know _ that stuff, it’s on the tip of my tongue.”

And it is, is the weird thing. He knows he should know this, even though he’s-

But he has seen it before.

He’s seen it ninety-nine times before, give or take.

The information rushes into his metaphorical brain like a dam had barely held it back before and is now completely fucking shattered into a gazillion pieces.

100 damn years… Magnus, Merle, the Director, Davenport, even Barry Goddamn Bluejeans, and-

Shit.

Okay, he is  _ so _ kicking Lucretia’s ass, but that’s a problem for later. Everything right now besides the two of them right now is a problem for future-Taako.

“Taako, why are you here?” Kravitz asks.

Shit. That’s right.

“Uh, saving your ass from the goop, natch?” And sure he could explain what the “goop” was, but that required time they did not currently have with it breathing down their necks.

“Taako, I thought you were a hallucination at first, but…”   
  
“But what?”

“Are you dead? Did you die on your mission?”

“Hey, Krav, babe, what if we just like, pretended that I really am just here to save you, and then I continue saving you?”

“Taako…”

“Fine, alright, fine! I beefed it! I kicked the bucket! I fucked up and now I’m in ol’ Deathville, population us and a big ocean of vore tendrils! Can we please go back to the very important topic of escaping that bullshit going on outside?”

“How did it happen, at least?”

“What? Why?”

  
“Well, I need to know for my inevitable revenge plot. They can’t just kill you and live, y’know”

  
And damn if that isn’t one of the sweetest things any boyfriend has ever said to him. But…

Taako crosses his arms.

  
“It’s embarrassing…”

Kravitz smiles gently and takes his hands.

“Darling, I’m sure I’ve encountered deaths far more embarrassing than yours. Unless you were like, taking a dump. That would be embarrassing and gross.”

Taako laughed. At least it wasn’t that bad.

“Ugh… I didn’t even make it to the final battle. They used the Relic to fucking bodyjack me. I had to watch the idiots realize it wasn’t me in there, and it sucked.”

“That sounds awful, Taako, and I’m sorry. I bet they just wanted the strongest opponent out of the way.”

“Yeah, stupid fucking liches knew I was too strong for them, had to get rid of me.”

“Wait,” Kravitz says, sitting back. “Liches? Lich _ es _ ? As in plural?”

“Yeah? Two of them. Had this tacky torture dungeon thing.”

  
“Was it called Wonderland, by any chance?”   
  
“Yeah, you know the place?”

  
“Taako, Wonderland has been one of my Queen’s biggest bounties for- for centuries. No Reaper has ever been able to penetrate it. I wish you’d called me.”

  
“Yeah, well, it’s not like we  _ knew _ , okay? We got diddly for info besides it being hella dangerous and that they had a Relic. And once we got in there our stones quit working.”

  
“Right, of course they did.” Kravitz stands and pulls out his scythe. “Well, this makes the revenge thing a lot easier.”

“Hell yeah, why didn’t we do this earlier? If we get there now we can probably still help the boys out!”

Kravitz pauses.

“Taako, darling… I don’t know if I should let you come with me.”

Wait.

_ What?! _

“What do you mean ‘let me’ go with you? I’m going. I’m gonna kick their asses, and subsequently my own ass, and I’m going to get my body back.”

“Well, that’s exactly the problem, isn’t it? If I let you come with me, that’s technically an act of necromancy.”

“Oh, what, is that all? That’s like, nothing! It’s baby necromancy, for babies!”

“It’s not nothing, Taako. You should be safe here in the Stockade, it’s the most fortified building in the plane. Nothing will get through those doors.”   
  
“No, you are not leaving me here.”

“Taako, I can’t- what happens- it’s a crime, Taako!”   
  


“What, worried you’ll get in trouble?”   
  
“No, I’m worried  _ you _ will!”

  
Huh?

“If you leave the Astral Plane, especially when you get your body back, it may count as a crime, and they’ll put you in the Stockade. I don’t want that for you.”   
  
That was… really sweet. Too bad he kinda needed to get out of here no matter what.

“Look, Kravitz, I know you think it’s safe in here, but you don’t know that stuff out there. I do. That stuff is literally the end of the World and a pair of doors isn’t going to hold it for long. If you leave me here, it’s going to vore me, and Taako ain’t into that shit. Please let me go with you, I-I promise I’ll come right back when everything’s over, no arguments, all right? I won’t try to become alive again.”

“I-,” Kravitz looks indecisive, like he’s looking at two awful possibilities and neither’s getting better with scrutiny.

“I-fine, you can come,” He says, slicing open a portal before he can think better of it.

It’s weirdly small, barely tall enough to step through while ducking. The edges are fuzzy. It’s growing smaller by the millisecond.

  
They’re out of time.

Taako launches himself at Kravitz, pushing them both through the portal.

Back into Wonderland.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I looked back at my Outline for this fic that I wrote like 2 years ago, it still hits the beats pretty well, besides stuff I deliberately changed. It's cool.


	3. Full of It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus is having a not great time

There’s something wrong with Taako.

Well, that’s pretty obvious with how he’s like, attacking them, and all.

  
Magnus keeps trying the whole I-know-you’re-in-there speech but it keeps not working, and he’s pretty sure that this isn’t how it’s supposed to go.

It was really, really scary when the elves did something to Taako earlier. They just rang a bell — probably the Relic — and a light flashed and then Taako just- just collapsed like a wooden puppet with its strings cut. Magnus legit thought he’d  _ died _ . Then he just got up and started monologuing about how they should stay in Wonderland- accepting some kind of job offer- and he and Merle knew it wasn’t Taako in charge anymore but it’s so damn hard fighting his best friend like this.

Plus, Taako’s actually the strongest of the three of them in terms of straight-up power, so it’s  _ really _ hard.

It’s only thanks to the Red Robe that he and Merle have been holding on against Taako and Edward and the mannequins. Well, the Red Robe and that Taako can’t use the umbrastaff. It had blasted him with a fireball about a minute into his new attitude.

Magnus’s current theory is that the other lich, Lydia, is controlling Taako like a mannequin and that’s why she’s missing. Probably doesn’t wanna risk her concentration, or whatever.

Coward. If he can just get a good swing in…

“C’mon, bud,” Magnus starts up again, “You can beat her! You’re stronger than her, fight it off already!”

Maybe this is the climactic moment where Taako finally won his wisdom saving throw-

The elves burst out laughing, both of them.

Nope.

“Oh dear, Lydia, they still don’t get it,” says Edward, “Maybe we should let them in on the joke?”

Taako titters. “Oh darlings, I’d hoped you’d understand by now,” he says, and his voice is overlaid with Lydia’s. “Taako isn’t here anymore!”

“Nope! I call bullshit,” says Magnus.

“No, really, it’s true! His soul should’ve entered the Astral Plane about, oh, 5 minutes ago? It really is just me in here!”

And, shit, that would explain why he couldn’t find Lydia’s form, even with true sight still active, but-

But that would mean-

No. The liches were full of shit. Taako’s just- he’s been unlucky with his rolls, that’s all. Even though every hit Magnus did should’ve given him yet another chance…

Fuck. But if it wasn’t a taunt, if Taako was… gone, wouldn’t that give him less reason to hold back?

He hopes it’s the Red Robe using all the black smoke he was generating and not the assholes.

The assholes who wouldn’t stop laughing.

Magnus bats away mannequin after mannequin with Railsplitter, but the battle seems endless.

Until it’s not.

A rift opens in the middle of the room, and out stumbles a familiar looking man with a scythe and a ball of light.

The man gets his composure back and then Magnus places him- Kravitz, the reaper from Candlenights.

  
Oh-kay?

Kravitz looks around the battlefield before landing on the liches. Well, Edward and Lydia/Taako, he seems to be ignoring the Red Robe for now.

His grip tightens on his scythe and he pulls out a large, blue-leather book, the same one he’d had as the crystal construct.

  
“Ahem,” he starts in his Cockney accent.

“Edward and Lydia, the liches of Wonderland. You two, now, you two have been wanted for a long, long time. Lichdom, 584 counts of keeping souls long past when they should’ve entered the Astral Plane, 379 counts of body theft, etcetera. And that’s all just the professional reasons why I’ll be reaping you today.”

Kravitz glares hard at Lydia in Taako’s body.

“Today, now, today you’ve gone and done it. Today, I’m afraid you’ve gone and made it personal.”

Kravitz swings out with his scythe, letting the book dissipate.

“Today, you murdered my boyfriend. And that is something that cannot go unpunished.”

And before Magnus has a chance to process that, a mannequin climbs out of the pit with the others. It’s wearing a decently fashionable outfit with a wide brimmed hat.

  
Magnus readies Railsplitter, but there’s no need.

  
“Yeah, fuckers, you’re going to be giving me my fucking body back!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was tempted to end on Kravitz's declaration of vengeance but then Taako wasn't about to let anyone else get the dramatic last word


End file.
